Numb Little Bug

 There's a song out right now that has lyrics that almost perfectly describe how I feel.  It's called Numb Little Bug and it's by Em Biehold.  The chorus I guess especially:

Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die
Like you're hanging by a thread but you gotta survive
'Cause you gotta survive
Like your body's in the room but you're not really there
Like you have empathy inside but you don't really care
Like you're fresh outta love but it's been in the air
Am I past repair

A little bit tired of tryin' to care when I don't
A little bit tired of quick repairs to cope
A little bit tired of sinkin'
There's water in my boat
I'm barely breathin'
Tryna stay afloat
So I got these quick repairs to cope
Guess I'm just broken and broke

 

So yeah, that's how I feel.  Except, I do want to die.  Just as I've said in the few other posts on this blog, I won't ever kill myself.  Although I found myself wondering if there was just a way to eat unhealthy enough to die without getting so obese I can't move by myself.  I mentioned how I'd had one of my breasts that had some weird pains in it. Turns out I have cysts.  But sometimes I doubt what this doctor said, because I've always been told I have dense breast tissues and that made it hard to tell for sure.  This doctor said I did not have dense breast tissue.  So, either the last however many years, like almost 10? that I've been having mammograms they lied?  Or has it changed?  Does that happen?  I guess maybe I'd had a little tiny flicker of hope that I'd actually be developing breast cancer and it would have gone for so long before being caught that I could die that way.  

Maybe that sounds horrible to people who have family or friends who died from it, or had it themselves but survived.  And I'm sorry.  I don't mean it that way.   In fact, I don't know that I believe in God, I definitely don't worship a God who lets horrible things happen to good people.  But the times I do pray, because since I grew up going to church, until I graduated from high school just about every weekend, I am usually praying and asking God to just take away these horrible things that happen to other people and let me be the one getting sick.  Let people with families, young people just starting out in life be the ones who live without big illness.  

I seriously have nothing.  I mean I know I have a wonderful family.  I reiterate that every time I post one of these.  I know I'm lucky that I have all my parents still alive.  I know how many of my friends wish they still had their own.  I see their posts on Facebook in how much they miss them.  And again, I would give anything to be able to be gone instead of their loved ones. But I'll never know what it is like to actually be in love romantically, truly, with someone who feels that way about me.  While everyone tells me it could still happen, come on, be serious, I'm about to turn 50, I'm still as ugly as I've always been, I'm getting fatter and fatter, and obviously my personality sucks or I wouldn't still be alone, right?

One thing I truly will never do is get to experience the love of my own child.  Giving birth.  None of that is possible.  Could I adopt?  Yes, but I can't afford my own lifestyle, I'm horrible with money, so obviously I can't afford to adopt.  I thought maybe finding a guy with a child, something I used to never think I'd want, well now I thought that's what I wanted.  But they don't want me.  At least not any of the ones I'm actually interested in.  Again, it's obviously my own fault I'm alone.  Look at that sentence, "I'm actually interested in."  What in the world makes someone as ugly, fat, and boring/stupid as I am think I get to have any pickiness in who I end up with?  

And let's talk about friends.  So many people have friends they've had since childhood, or high school, or what I thought I had, college.  I still kind of keep in touch with college friends on Facebook.  But we don't ever talk on the phone.  Get together regularly, anything.  

I still think while my family might be sad if I was gone, they don't need me.  My mom and stepdad could have more money and not have to think about if they should ever include me on trips because obviously I have no one else to go with.  Sure my brother and sister in law and niece and nephew would miss me.  But again, they wouldn't have to think about including me in things. Because again, they don't need me, other than when they need me to help with the kids.  

Once again, I'm sure so many people would do a better job than I would at my job as well.  I thought I was going to get to jump in and at least do the same thing as I did at my last job, but be completely in charge of the library and not have to share decisions.  Nope.  I don't even really get to be a librarian most of the time, and I do less or none of what I'd hoped to do.  A better librarian, which is probably everyone besides me, would find a way to overcome what I'm dealing with and do a great job.  

I can't train my dogs to not pee on the damn floor. To let me sleep.  I can't make myself eat what I should because I'm so unhappy that food is often the only thing I get to enjoy so I let myself eat what I want.  Plus I'm lazy so I don't want to waste the time making anything healthy.  See, I know what to do.  And I continue to choose to not do it.  

Finally, because it is in the same vein as this whole post, I want to talk about the my body my choice bit.  I don't agree with abortion at a certain time, because I believe we do everything we can to save babies that are wanted at that point.  Why because a mother doesn't want the child is it okay to kill it?  So all the pro-choice people should also feel okay with people choosing to commit suicide.  It's my body, my choice right?  And no one wants me, so why shouldn't I get to end my own life if I want to?  Especially in my own situation where it really wouldn't hurt or affect anyone.  I don't have kids or anyone who relies on me.  Other than my dogs, and honestly, they'd probably be better off with anyone besides me.  

Seriously, like the song says, I feel like I'm hanging by a thread, because I've gotta survive.  Even if I don't really feel there's any reason I should, society says I should, and so I gotta.

Second chance? Where's my first chance?

 This is a post that shows just how petty I am I guess.  I know so many people who get divorced, but don't stay single long, they seem to find the next person to marry soon!  And so many of these people it seems they found the right person the second time.

My mom and dad both found the right person the second time they got married.  Most of the time these people can't wish the first one hadn't happened, because they have kids.  And without that first marriage, they wouldn't have the wonderful kids they love so much.  I get it.  

But I just want a chance.  I just want to find a right one.  When will it be my turn?

As I keep saying, I know it is my own fault I am single.  What brought this melancholy on this time, is a guy who liked me on the Facebook dating app, and even though I wasn't necessarily attracted to him, I swiped like on him too and have been giving him a chance.  Even though he wasn't really keeping up a conversation, he was saying good morning every day this past week.  I was going to stop replying, but he kept saying it.  So I tried to get the conversation going.  Then I went to see if he'd answered my last question, and he'd unmatched from me.  So now I can't even keep a guy I'm not attracted to when I'm giving them a chance.  Obviously that means I am the problem.  :-(

The grass is always greener, right?

 I got a new job.  One that I was so excited about.  And it paid a lot better.  And it was back in my home state where I already had 17 years towards retirement.  All was good, right?

Wrong.  I'm doing things that are not what my job is supposed to be.  Not what I love about my job.  Yes, when I took the job I knew some of the extra stuff was going to be a part of it.  I didn't know it was going to be all of it.  

I know also that part of my stress/anxiety/depression at the moment is due to the fact that since my insurance from my old job ran out at the end of last month and I have to wait til next month for my new insurance to kick in, so my medication for those things ran out halfway through this month. And it costs $500 without insurance, so no, I'm not getting it.  Also didn't sign up for the COBRA interim insurance because that would have been $800-900 for a month.  

But today, if I could have financially done it, I was about at a point of just walking out.  I hated it.  It's not even the things I am doing that I hate.  It is how unorganized the new job is about all of it.  If things were more organized, then I probably wouldn't be as stressed.  

And I've been tired for awhile of a lot of stuff.  I'm not suicidal.  But I'm not happy being alive anymore.  There's not really anything that makes my life worthwhile.  If I was gone, yeah, my parents, siblings, niece and nephew, other family, they'd miss me.  But there's nothing that anyone needs me for.  And I'm just tired of being alone.  And I'm tired of the emotional and mental pain.  

I'm tired that I don't even have a friend I can text at any time when I just need an ear.  I have no one.  Is it my fault?  Maybe.  Probably.  I have a sucky personality probably.  Another reason I'm still alone at 48, almost 49 years old.

Again, I know I'm lucky I'm not physically in pain, for the most part.  But you know what, I'd take away all that pain and death from people with kids and families and that were needed.  Let those people get to live without the pain.  This is one reason I don't want to go to church anymore.  What kind of a god, if there is one, lets all those horrible things happen to mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, kids?  

I've been noticing a kind of sore spot in my right breast, usually just about the beginning of the month, when my cycle usually makes them kind of tender anyway.  But I also kind of feel like I can feel something there the rest of the month.  I would be okay if it was breast cancer, and since I'm waiting to get more than just a mammogram done, to get an ultrasound of it once my insurance is back, I'd be okay if it spread to my lymph nodes in that time, and made it so it was not anything that I could treat.  I want an end date sooner rather than later.  

I'm tired.  Today I noticed when I tried to pop my neck like I do sometimes if it is stiff that it hurt really bad on one side.  A side of my head I've gotten some of the worst headaches ever when I've been doing certain activities that I read can cause that.  It may not be an aneurysm, but I'm okay if it is.  And maybe that can end things for me.

I won't do anything myself.  I repeat I'm not suicidal.  But I am not averse to anything else happening to me.

I'm just so tired of it all.  Just tired and ready to be done.  

This Dystopian Life

So I know I have an unpopular opinion on masks right now.  I don't want to wear one. Since I am not sick, it doesn't make sense for me to wear one other than to protect myself.  I live alone.  There is no one in my house but me, and I don't go to work with anyone right now. Basically, other than my family members who I see about once a week, who pretty much feel the same as I do about masks, I don't come in contact with anyone if I did get sick. And if I did get sick, I'd definitely wear the mask when I left my house, if I left my house.  If I got sick, I'd stay home. 

People say it's selfish to not want to wear a mask because I'm not thinking about other people.  Again, I am thinking of others, and I'm not sick.  I have the conditions that tend to do poorly with the disease if I were to get it.  I have asthma.  I am probably pre-diabetic.  But it's my choice, right?  My body?

I mean, in this case, it really just is my body.  I feel abortion is more than just the woman's body, it is her child's body. What if that child is a woman?  Did we then take away that woman's choice to live?  But I digress.

My point is, I'm okay if this is what gets me.  As I've posted before, I don't care if I keep living because I have nothing to live for.  I'm a waste of space and resources.  Also, I've read a lot of dystopian books, they used to be my favorite type of read.  Now, I'm pretty sure I'm okay not being Katniss or the heroine, especially since I'm too old for that.  I'm okay with being one of the people lost before the whole dystopian world comes about. 

Anyway.  My two cents.  If we never go back to anything close to what normal was, I'm okay with the fact that compared to some people I have lived a "privileged" life and am ready to let others do the same.  I'll be done, and let someone else have my space and resources.

Plus One

This post ties in to the last one, which I know was a while ago.  But as I see my mother missing out on things because her only grandkids are from her son and not her daughter, I find myself again wishing that I'd not been so careful to not get pregnant.  I mean, what would it hurt if I hadn't finished college right away?  I mean it's not like I even got a teaching job right after I graduated. I spent a year substitute teaching and took a few graduate classes which I did poorly in.  They were science, and much more technical than most of the science classes I'd taken to be a science teacher.  I had job offers that first year, they just would have meant I had to move away from home, and I really didn't want to.  I mean, what if I'd just gone ahead and taken one of those in the tiny towns?  Maybe I'd have met and married someone?

I just know there are things I would want my own mom for if I had a kid, just like I'm sure my sister-in-law prefers her own mother for. 

Just feeling it today as my mom is disappointed to not get to spend the evening of my niece's actual birthday with her.  Or be invited to her friend birthday party tomorrow.  When my niece was born, it was two months early, and she had a twin brother that was still born.  So we were all there driving to the hospital for two months to see her and so excited when she got to come home.  It is my family and my mom who get called all the time for emergency babysitting because the in-laws don't live in town, so I get why my mom feels a bit left out.  I also get that I get that same trait from her. 

Needed to get that out.

Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

This post I'll talk about some regrets I have.  And specifically about my love or lack thereof love life.  Growing up, I was that nerdy girl that everyone made fun of.  I had huge permed hair, it was the 80s, huge glasses, again the style of the 80s, and was so shy.  My senior year of high school I finally got contacts, but by then, it was too late. Everyone already knew me as I was.  Going away to college was a whole new world for me.  Away from parents, and feeling halfway attractive, I made the most of it.  I made out a lot my freshman year, with a couple guys.  And then my first real boyfriend.  My first time wasn't really my choice, but I'll say I got myself into the situation, and I let him get me naked, and so when I said no and went to get out of the bed, but he pulled me back in and then before I could get away, the deed was done.  He wasn't a big guy, well, sexually speaking, and so honestly, it didn't hurt, in fact I can't remember much about how it felt, other than the shock of it happening.  Not knowing what to do, and feeling it was my fault, after it was over, and he asked me if I was okay, all I could think to do was ask him to do it again so that I could get something out of it this time.  He broke up with me shortly after that.  He'd been a virgin too, and we really weren't a good match. But there you go.  After that, I let him call me almost the whole next school year for the whole friends with benefits thing. The sex wasn't great, but it felt kind of good, and my friends were sexually active, so it was just what I did.  I tried for a while to keep it like I'd thought, I wanted to wait till a real relationship. So the next guy, well I didn't do anything with him, and he dumped me. Then I met some guys and things got a little crazy for a while when I got over the whole waiting for a serious guy for sex.  I just began to enjoy it, a lot. Then they all moved away, and I met a new, younger guy.  An Italian guy, and we had so much to talk about with how our families were so much alike. I had sex with him once or twice, it wasn't great, but I still remember it.  Then the next guy was a guy that was the best out of anyone.  When I need to remember a good time, and how good sex can be, it is the time with him I think on.  While we reconnected later on, you know when Facebook became more common, and even talked on the phone and even considered getting together again, we just didn't have much connection.  But he is where my regrets start. And these may sound crazy and selfish.

But sometimes, now that I can no longer have kids, and have no kids, I wish I'd done something really irresponsible and gotten pregnant when I'd had the chance. While it would have sucked in college, at least now I could be a mom.  This last guy I mentioned, he wanted so bad to be a dad when I had almost gotten back with him, I wish I'd at least given that a chance. Again, if the relationship didn't work out, I'd still have a kid maybe, and he'd be a great dad, is with his wife and young daughter.  So it's not like I'd have been hurting anyone really.

This is a stupid selfish post.  I know.  But things are percolating in my head with all the big news around the country right now about abortion.  Maybe I couldn't actually have ever gotten pregnant. But now I'll never know.  And I'll never have the chance to have my own child.  So call it a selfish wish that a mistake would have happened, that I would have been as careful as I was, but those are the kinds of regrets I have these days.

Why am I here?

For awhile now I've thought about making a new blog where I can post my depressed thoughts and regrets.  You see, I don't really have anyone in my life that I would consider a BFF.  A best friend.  Someone I can call and talk to and count on no matter what.  I've had times in the past where I thought I had that.  But I learned I didn't.  I learned no one really was that way for me.  Family.  I love them.  I do.  They come first in my life.  And for the most part, I know they'll be there if I really need them.  But I find that when it is maybe an emotional need, they aren't there.  They don't get it. 

If I post complaints, regrets, etc. on places like Facebook, because I live alone and have no one to talk to at home, and no friends or family to just call with those things, then I'm told that I'm putting things out on social media that I should keep to myself.  So guess what.  I'm starting a new blog just for this.  I don't care if anyone reads it.  That's not my goal.  It's like a journal, like blogs started out, right?  It's a place for me to get my feelings out.  So yeah. 

What finally got me going?  Well, my landlord offered to move everything in my basement to storage so he could begin renovating it like he wanted to.  But then he ended up just putting it all in the garage, and now I have to leave my car sitting in the driveway until I move it.  He said he'd give me a credit on my rent to not have to move it.  Well, that's great, but it's getting into storm season, in fact we had hail last night.  It was small, marble or smaller sized hail, so no damage.  But tomorrow night is supposed to be more bad storms.  Last night, my mom and stepdad said they'd come over and see about helping me move the shelves with my stepdad's truck.  You see, I can only get about 5 or 6 boxes in my car at a time. So taking loads to the storage place takes a while.  I was happy they were going to help by loaning or driving the truck for me. But they came over tonight, looked in my garage and decided there was too much there for them to help.  All I wanted was help getting the big shelves over!  Or even if they'd let me load up the back of his truck, so many more boxes at at a time, which would have meant less trips for me. But no.  I think they maybe thought I expected them to do it for me.  It's not that.  I know my stepdad is getting older and has had shoulder surgery, and shouldn't lift a lot.  I just really needed the truck bed, and I would have done as much as the actual lifting myself as I could. 

So I came home.  Had a cry.  My depression and anxiety med seems to be working, and I've been trying to cut back on it.  My cry helped.  But I didn't spiral down like I used to into where I got to thinking that I didn't want to be around.  I was able to just know I needed the cry. 

Last night my niece got really upset when she accidentally through the ball we were playing with and it hit me in the face.  Her mom and dad (my brother) immediately kind of said her name in a parent disapproving way.  She got really upset, ran to her mom and started crying, saying she'd ruined everything.  She wanted to go upstairs and be away from everyone.  Eventually my sister-in-law came back down and left her upstairs crying.  She's 7 years old.  I decided to go up and see if I could get her to calm down.  It took a bit, but I asked her what was wrong and finally got her to open up to me a little bit.  She mentioned something about how her daddy talked to her, and I got what she was saying.  My stepdad sometimes talks to me in a way, even now as an adult, that makes me want to cry.  Makes me feel bad.  I hope I helped her by talking to her.   But if my one thing I do in this life is help her not feel bad, help her to not become depressed in any way that I can, that will make me feel like my life was worth it. 

Because I'm alone.  I'll never find anyone to love me and marry me.  I am unable to have kids even if I wanted to. Although I do think about maybe adopting or fostering some day.  And as I mentioned at the beginning, I do not have any real best friends.  But I'm okay with that.  I get it.  I'm here, I have to make the most of this life, and I've decided to do the things that make me happy.  And get my feelings out the way I need to.  I guess with this blog.

I've got a whole post I want to do with regrets, and I'll do that one of these days as well.