This post I'll talk about some regrets I have. And specifically about my love or lack thereof love life. Growing up, I was that nerdy girl that everyone made fun of. I had huge permed hair, it was the 80s, huge glasses, again the style of the 80s, and was so shy. My senior year of high school I finally got contacts, but by then, it was too late. Everyone already knew me as I was. Going away to college was a whole new world for me. Away from parents, and feeling halfway attractive, I made the most of it. I made out a lot my freshman year, with a couple guys. And then my first real boyfriend. My first time wasn't really my choice, but I'll say I got myself into the situation, and I let him get me naked, and so when I said no and went to get out of the bed, but he pulled me back in and then before I could get away, the deed was done. He wasn't a big guy, well, sexually speaking, and so honestly, it didn't hurt, in fact I can't remember much about how it felt, other than the shock of it happening. Not knowing what to do, and feeling it was my fault, after it was over, and he asked me if I was okay, all I could think to do was ask him to do it again so that I could get something out of it this time. He broke up with me shortly after that. He'd been a virgin too, and we really weren't a good match. But there you go. After that, I let him call me almost the whole next school year for the whole friends with benefits thing. The sex wasn't great, but it felt kind of good, and my friends were sexually active, so it was just what I did. I tried for a while to keep it like I'd thought, I wanted to wait till a real relationship. So the next guy, well I didn't do anything with him, and he dumped me. Then I met some guys and things got a little crazy for a while when I got over the whole waiting for a serious guy for sex. I just began to enjoy it, a lot. Then they all moved away, and I met a new, younger guy. An Italian guy, and we had so much to talk about with how our families were so much alike. I had sex with him once or twice, it wasn't great, but I still remember it. Then the next guy was a guy that was the best out of anyone. When I need to remember a good time, and how good sex can be, it is the time with him I think on. While we reconnected later on, you know when Facebook became more common, and even talked on the phone and even considered getting together again, we just didn't have much connection. But he is where my regrets start. And these may sound crazy and selfish.
But sometimes, now that I can no longer have kids, and have no kids, I wish I'd done something really irresponsible and gotten pregnant when I'd had the chance. While it would have sucked in college, at least now I could be a mom. This last guy I mentioned, he wanted so bad to be a dad when I had almost gotten back with him, I wish I'd at least given that a chance. Again, if the relationship didn't work out, I'd still have a kid maybe, and he'd be a great dad, is with his wife and young daughter. So it's not like I'd have been hurting anyone really.
This is a stupid selfish post. I know. But things are percolating in my head with all the big news around the country right now about abortion. Maybe I couldn't actually have ever gotten pregnant. But now I'll never know. And I'll never have the chance to have my own child. So call it a selfish wish that a mistake would have happened, that I would have been as careful as I was, but those are the kinds of regrets I have these days.
