For awhile now I've thought about making a new blog where I can post my depressed thoughts and regrets. You see, I don't really have anyone in my life that I would consider a BFF. A best friend. Someone I can call and talk to and count on no matter what. I've had times in the past where I thought I had that. But I learned I didn't. I learned no one really was that way for me. Family. I love them. I do. They come first in my life. And for the most part, I know they'll be there if I really need them. But I find that when it is maybe an emotional need, they aren't there. They don't get it.
If I post complaints, regrets, etc. on places like Facebook, because I live alone and have no one to talk to at home, and no friends or family to just call with those things, then I'm told that I'm putting things out on social media that I should keep to myself. So guess what. I'm starting a new blog just for this. I don't care if anyone reads it. That's not my goal. It's like a journal, like blogs started out, right? It's a place for me to get my feelings out. So yeah.
What finally got me going? Well, my landlord offered to move everything in my basement to storage so he could begin renovating it like he wanted to. But then he ended up just putting it all in the garage, and now I have to leave my car sitting in the driveway until I move it. He said he'd give me a credit on my rent to not have to move it. Well, that's great, but it's getting into storm season, in fact we had hail last night. It was small, marble or smaller sized hail, so no damage. But tomorrow night is supposed to be more bad storms. Last night, my mom and stepdad said they'd come over and see about helping me move the shelves with my stepdad's truck. You see, I can only get about 5 or 6 boxes in my car at a time. So taking loads to the storage place takes a while. I was happy they were going to help by loaning or driving the truck for me. But they came over tonight, looked in my garage and decided there was too much there for them to help. All I wanted was help getting the big shelves over! Or even if they'd let me load up the back of his truck, so many more boxes at at a time, which would have meant less trips for me. But no. I think they maybe thought I expected them to do it for me. It's not that. I know my stepdad is getting older and has had shoulder surgery, and shouldn't lift a lot. I just really needed the truck bed, and I would have done as much as the actual lifting myself as I could.
So I came home. Had a cry. My depression and anxiety med seems to be working, and I've been trying to cut back on it. My cry helped. But I didn't spiral down like I used to into where I got to thinking that I didn't want to be around. I was able to just know I needed the cry.
Last night my niece got really upset when she accidentally through the ball we were playing with and it hit me in the face. Her mom and dad (my brother) immediately kind of said her name in a parent disapproving way. She got really upset, ran to her mom and started crying, saying she'd ruined everything. She wanted to go upstairs and be away from everyone. Eventually my sister-in-law came back down and left her upstairs crying. She's 7 years old. I decided to go up and see if I could get her to calm down. It took a bit, but I asked her what was wrong and finally got her to open up to me a little bit. She mentioned something about how her daddy talked to her, and I got what she was saying. My stepdad sometimes talks to me in a way, even now as an adult, that makes me want to cry. Makes me feel bad. I hope I helped her by talking to her. But if my one thing I do in this life is help her not feel bad, help her to not become depressed in any way that I can, that will make me feel like my life was worth it.
Because I'm alone. I'll never find anyone to love me and marry me. I am unable to have kids even if I wanted to. Although I do think about maybe adopting or fostering some day. And as I mentioned at the beginning, I do not have any real best friends. But I'm okay with that. I get it. I'm here, I have to make the most of this life, and I've decided to do the things that make me happy. And get my feelings out the way I need to. I guess with this blog.
I've got a whole post I want to do with regrets, and I'll do that one of these days as well.
