There's a song out right now that has lyrics that almost perfectly describe how I feel. It's called Numb Little Bug and it's by Em Biehold. The chorus I guess especially:
Do you ever get a little bit tired of lifeLike you're not really happy but you don't wanna dieLike you're hanging by a thread but you gotta survive'Cause you gotta surviveLike your body's in the room but you're not really thereLike you have empathy inside but you don't really careLike you're fresh outta love but it's been in the airAm I past repair
A little bit tired of tryin' to care when I don'tA little bit tired of quick repairs to copeA little bit tired of sinkin'There's water in my boatI'm barely breathin'Tryna stay afloatSo I got these quick repairs to copeGuess I'm just broken and broke
So yeah, that's how I feel. Except, I do want to die. Just as I've said in the few other posts on this blog, I won't ever kill myself. Although I found myself wondering if there was just a way to eat unhealthy enough to die without getting so obese I can't move by myself. I mentioned how I'd had one of my breasts that had some weird pains in it. Turns out I have cysts. But sometimes I doubt what this doctor said, because I've always been told I have dense breast tissues and that made it hard to tell for sure. This doctor said I did not have dense breast tissue. So, either the last however many years, like almost 10? that I've been having mammograms they lied? Or has it changed? Does that happen? I guess maybe I'd had a little tiny flicker of hope that I'd actually be developing breast cancer and it would have gone for so long before being caught that I could die that way.
Maybe that sounds horrible to people who have family or friends who died from it, or had it themselves but survived. And I'm sorry. I don't mean it that way. In fact, I don't know that I believe in God, I definitely don't worship a God who lets horrible things happen to good people. But the times I do pray, because since I grew up going to church, until I graduated from high school just about every weekend, I am usually praying and asking God to just take away these horrible things that happen to other people and let me be the one getting sick. Let people with families, young people just starting out in life be the ones who live without big illness.
I seriously have nothing. I mean I know I have a wonderful family. I reiterate that every time I post one of these. I know I'm lucky that I have all my parents still alive. I know how many of my friends wish they still had their own. I see their posts on Facebook in how much they miss them. And again, I would give anything to be able to be gone instead of their loved ones. But I'll never know what it is like to actually be in love romantically, truly, with someone who feels that way about me. While everyone tells me it could still happen, come on, be serious, I'm about to turn 50, I'm still as ugly as I've always been, I'm getting fatter and fatter, and obviously my personality sucks or I wouldn't still be alone, right?
One thing I truly will never do is get to experience the love of my own child. Giving birth. None of that is possible. Could I adopt? Yes, but I can't afford my own lifestyle, I'm horrible with money, so obviously I can't afford to adopt. I thought maybe finding a guy with a child, something I used to never think I'd want, well now I thought that's what I wanted. But they don't want me. At least not any of the ones I'm actually interested in. Again, it's obviously my own fault I'm alone. Look at that sentence, "I'm actually interested in." What in the world makes someone as ugly, fat, and boring/stupid as I am think I get to have any pickiness in who I end up with?
And let's talk about friends. So many people have friends they've had since childhood, or high school, or what I thought I had, college. I still kind of keep in touch with college friends on Facebook. But we don't ever talk on the phone. Get together regularly, anything.
I still think while my family might be sad if I was gone, they don't need me. My mom and stepdad could have more money and not have to think about if they should ever include me on trips because obviously I have no one else to go with. Sure my brother and sister in law and niece and nephew would miss me. But again, they wouldn't have to think about including me in things. Because again, they don't need me, other than when they need me to help with the kids.
Once again, I'm sure so many people would do a better job than I would at my job as well. I thought I was going to get to jump in and at least do the same thing as I did at my last job, but be completely in charge of the library and not have to share decisions. Nope. I don't even really get to be a librarian most of the time, and I do less or none of what I'd hoped to do. A better librarian, which is probably everyone besides me, would find a way to overcome what I'm dealing with and do a great job.
I can't train my dogs to not pee on the damn floor. To let me sleep. I can't make myself eat what I should because I'm so unhappy that food is often the only thing I get to enjoy so I let myself eat what I want. Plus I'm lazy so I don't want to waste the time making anything healthy. See, I know what to do. And I continue to choose to not do it.
Finally, because it is in the same vein as this whole post, I want to talk about the my body my choice bit. I don't agree with abortion at a certain time, because I believe we do everything we can to save babies that are wanted at that point. Why because a mother doesn't want the child is it okay to kill it? So all the pro-choice people should also feel okay with people choosing to commit suicide. It's my body, my choice right? And no one wants me, so why shouldn't I get to end my own life if I want to? Especially in my own situation where it really wouldn't hurt or affect anyone. I don't have kids or anyone who relies on me. Other than my dogs, and honestly, they'd probably be better off with anyone besides me.
Seriously, like the song says, I feel like I'm hanging by a thread, because I've gotta survive. Even if I don't really feel there's any reason I should, society says I should, and so I gotta.
