I got a new job. One that I was so excited about. And it paid a lot better. And it was back in my home state where I already had 17 years towards retirement. All was good, right?
Wrong. I'm doing things that are not what my job is supposed to be. Not what I love about my job. Yes, when I took the job I knew some of the extra stuff was going to be a part of it. I didn't know it was going to be all of it.
I know also that part of my stress/anxiety/depression at the moment is due to the fact that since my insurance from my old job ran out at the end of last month and I have to wait til next month for my new insurance to kick in, so my medication for those things ran out halfway through this month. And it costs $500 without insurance, so no, I'm not getting it. Also didn't sign up for the COBRA interim insurance because that would have been $800-900 for a month.
But today, if I could have financially done it, I was about at a point of just walking out. I hated it. It's not even the things I am doing that I hate. It is how unorganized the new job is about all of it. If things were more organized, then I probably wouldn't be as stressed.
And I've been tired for awhile of a lot of stuff. I'm not suicidal. But I'm not happy being alive anymore. There's not really anything that makes my life worthwhile. If I was gone, yeah, my parents, siblings, niece and nephew, other family, they'd miss me. But there's nothing that anyone needs me for. And I'm just tired of being alone. And I'm tired of the emotional and mental pain.
I'm tired that I don't even have a friend I can text at any time when I just need an ear. I have no one. Is it my fault? Maybe. Probably. I have a sucky personality probably. Another reason I'm still alone at 48, almost 49 years old.
Again, I know I'm lucky I'm not physically in pain, for the most part. But you know what, I'd take away all that pain and death from people with kids and families and that were needed. Let those people get to live without the pain. This is one reason I don't want to go to church anymore. What kind of a god, if there is one, lets all those horrible things happen to mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, kids?
I've been noticing a kind of sore spot in my right breast, usually just about the beginning of the month, when my cycle usually makes them kind of tender anyway. But I also kind of feel like I can feel something there the rest of the month. I would be okay if it was breast cancer, and since I'm waiting to get more than just a mammogram done, to get an ultrasound of it once my insurance is back, I'd be okay if it spread to my lymph nodes in that time, and made it so it was not anything that I could treat. I want an end date sooner rather than later.
I'm tired. Today I noticed when I tried to pop my neck like I do sometimes if it is stiff that it hurt really bad on one side. A side of my head I've gotten some of the worst headaches ever when I've been doing certain activities that I read can cause that. It may not be an aneurysm, but I'm okay if it is. And maybe that can end things for me.
I won't do anything myself. I repeat I'm not suicidal. But I am not averse to anything else happening to me.
I'm just so tired of it all. Just tired and ready to be done.
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