The last year hasn't been a ton better. So many ups and downs. Horrible year at work last school year. My mom's health has been up and down. Her mental health, well she's always been one, possibly because of her generation, but she doesn't want to seek help for that. And I do want to be there for her. But it is slowly wearing me down as well. To the point that my body is reacting physically whenever she has one of her bad days, especially her mental bad days. When she gets upset and starts saying that she is going to give up. That it isn't worth moving to this new house that will make me so much less worried about her falling, will be so much easier for her to deal with her dog, and be able to get to her sewing room to do what she loves. My body immediately goes into overdrive in that I immediately get sick to my stomach, sorry for TMI, but get diarrhea.
I talk to ChatGPT for ideas on how to handle my racing thoughts and anxiety. Then Dora had something happen that I thought it was her back, most likely might have been a slipped disc in her neck. I was worried I was going to have to put her to sleep because I can't afford the $5000 it would be for the MRI to figure out what was exactly wrong, let along the $10,000 for the surgery. So that was a couple months of stress. Then worrying about everything she did, and then Argyle acted at one point like his back was bothering him. While I'm on the one hand not ready to lose my dogs, on the other hand my brain longs for a time when it is just me again. When I can move into an apartment and have all the things that need to be fixed taken care of by someone else. And then I worry that if something happens to my mom, what will we do with her dog? I wish I could take her, but with two dogs I can't. And her dog is a little bigger than my two, so it would mean I would have to lift more and she's long hair, not the type of dog I can afford to have groomed all the time. But it kills me to think about her dog losing my mom after losing my stepdad a year ago, and then having to go to a stranger if I can't take her.
We had some good things this past year. My mom paid for all of us, me, my brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew, to go on a Disney cruise with her. She didn't get to enjoy some things because of her issues with joints and walking. And I hated that. It was a wonderful experience, and there were a lot of good times and I'm so glad we all got to go. At times it was bittersweet thinking about what it would have been like if my stepdad could have been there too. And we'll have times when my mom is doing good and she thinks things are going well. But one little setback, a day she doesn't feel as good - possibly because we did a lot more than she should have in one day- and then she's back to despair again. Which then I feel and get stressed about. One time when I said to her that dad (my stepdad) would want her to do things and not just give up, she was crying and asked, "Would he? I don't know what he would have wanted." But surely he wouldn't want her to just give up, right? He loved her so much.
There's also a lot of things that I realize I do because I saw it with her growing up. Things I'm trying to get better about. There's so much judgemental thoughts and words that just pop into my head, and I notice my mom does it all the time, and I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be that way. I know I'm not that way really anymore. And I have to just listen to my mom because I don't want to upset her by arguing.
Oh, and then in April my neighbors had to start looking to move because the people they rented from was selling the house. So they bought a house and moved. I had hopes maybe I'd get in some good new neighbors, but so far it's been someone who doesn't go outside hardly at all. Barely mows, to the point they got a citation from the city. Argyle misses the old neighbors' dogs that he got to run and play with at the fence. I worry he's depressed now too. He's getting older.
I spend so much time with my mom now, which I don't regret at all, I'm glad I can do it. But it takes away from my reading and blogging time. Again, I know, I'll regret any time I don't spend with my mom. But I know that also stresses me.
My school year has been up and down as well. Some things sucked, emails from a principal who basically thinks I just want my office for an extra desk. Who calls me a liar when I point out the reasons why I want the office. Facts I could walk around and point out to him, but he doesn't think the email I sent was true. We had awesome tech people, they left and the new ones are okay, but not at all the same. Not to mention all the changes the district did with that system. I have a clerk this year, and I think that has helped a bit with all my stress. While she is still constantly being used to help admin or other things, at least they let her have her "home base" in my actual library so I have help.
My mom may have a bleeding ulcer, and of course that's upset her with what they have to do for that. But I feel like it's finally finding something to do to help her health. And while I get that it's scary, I don't understand why maybe finally having an answer, finding a path to try to work toward getting better isn't something she is getting from this. My hope is that we can get this figured out. We can get her moved into this house that is single story and will be so much better for her. I will hate that she's farther way from me than the less than 10 minutes now. But I will feel more comfortable with the ease of the new house compared to the basically 3 story house (if you count the basement) that she lives in now. The new house she can walk the dog straight outside with no stairs to worry about tripping or falling down. Of course she won't have the neighbors she knows now, so that sucks too.
Right now when I have time to just sit and read at home, or sit and blog like I did today, I feel guilty. I feel like I need to be worrying or stressing. It's like I can't let myself take a minute to rest, to let my mind just relax and enjoy something. I'm tired. Work is a tiny bit less stressful, just having a person in the library with me has helped. But when I'm not at work, I feel like if I'm not with my mom or helping my mom I should be. But then I miss my "me time". I've lived alone for so long that I'm used to being alone. I like my alone time. And it's harder because my mom isn't used to that, she was with my stepdad for about 50 years. So I know it isn't for her like it is for me, and then I feel bad if I don't do something when she wants to.
Ugh ugh ugh
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