My Suicide Letter

 I'm not actually going to kill myself.  For a while, I'm needed.  Right now, with my stepdad having passed away this year, I feel like my mom needs me. So I'll be here for her. But after a shitty day.  At my shitty job, I just felt the need to write this.  

While I'd like to sit and name all the people who make me feel this way, honestly, really it's only myself I can blame.  Because really, I just hate myself.  I know, I've seen a therapist.  And I know I'm supposed to do positive self talk.  But I don't know how.  I've tried.  It feels stupid.  The only thing that at least feels right is listing off all the ways I suck.  Because if I list off what in my life sucks, it is directly corresponding to the ways I suck.  Let's start.

I'm single because I'm ugly and boring and stupid and annoying, and probably really not a very nice person.  I try to be nice, but I don't know that it works.  I'm not good at anything.  Or there's nothing people will come to me for because they know I'm good at it.  Or at least there's nothing I'm better at than anyone else.  I'm not really smart.  For years I thought I was.  I did advanced classes at school, was ahead in some subjects.  But even then the minute I went anywhere else, there was always someone better/smarter, etc.  

I'm stuck at a job I hate because I'm a sucky librarian.  I was probably a sucky teacher too.  The only reason I got two of the good jobs I had before was due to luck or timing.  NKC came about because the HR person had switched and a new school was opening and I knew the questions that were going to be asked on the interview and the last school I'd worked at the Science Olympiad team went to nationals, not through anything I really did, there was a team of parents coaching that did all the real work.  

My first librarian job came at a great school because one of the people there was moved because of issues with the other librarian, and so I got to go to an awesome school.  But even there I sucked.  I had lots of grand plans and ideas, all beat out of me by the co-librarian at the time as well as just because I suck and am not good enough to actually put into action the things I want to do.  

I'm broke because I suck at money and I suck at not spending it when I'm feeling bad or on things I know I don't need.  

But the reason I don't want to be alive is because there's not a reason I need to be here.  I don't help in any way.  I mean right now I do with my mom, but maybe I should have done something before my stepdad passed away?  I also want to be here for my niece and nephew.  But they don't need me.  Their lives would be fine without me.  There is not one single person (other than my mom right now) that wouldn't probably be just as good if not better off if I was gone.  Even she might be better off financially if she wasn't still helping me out with stuff.  There was a time that my dogs were what kept me alive.  But I know that my friend would take them and find them homes if anything happened to me.  

I wish I could give my life so other people could live.  People with spouses, children, anyone who is needed and a better person than I am.

Over and over in my head all I can think is the line from Taylor Swift's song, "I hate it here".  Because I do at my job.  I do on this Earth.  I wish my mom had not gotten married to my dad, instead when she got pregnant, I wish she'd had an abortion.  I wish that car accident I had when my car rolled in the 90s that I'd died in that accident.  And that's another thing I suck at.  I'll never kill myself.  I keep having a little hope that things are worth it, but more than that I just am too stupid/lazy/incompetent to do it.  If there was ever a school shooting where I work, I guess I could put myself in front of someone else and save them and be done with my own life.  

So that's it.  I wouldn't blame anyone in my family.  I've had a pretty good family, and I know how lucky I am for that.  There are people in my life that I've worked with, thought were friends, that I could list, but I know no one other than my family would really miss me. And as I said, their lives would go on just fine without me.

That's it, I just needed to write it somewhere.

Nope, nothing gets better.

 2024 has sucked.  My life sucks.  I wish I was dead.  My stepdad died back at the end of May.  I hate my job so much, I've cried almost every week at work so far this year and we're only in like the 3rd or 4th week.  Just found out that the IRS is charging me a penalty for taking my time to pay that is the same amount as I owed.  

I honestly don't know what the purpose of anything is.  Why I bother trying anything.  I just keep going along and smiling around others, not letting them know how much I wish I didn't have to be alive anymore.

I would say I'm suicidal.  I don't actually think about killing myself. Although I'll admit lately I've had a few moments where I wish I could do that.  But now I can't because I have to be there for my mom since my stepdad died.  Maybe when she's gone I can do it then.  I guess at least I have some purpose right now.  

But why does everything have to suck so much?  Why can't anything ever turn out good for me?  Why do the jobs that seem like they'll finally be the right one end up sucking?  Why am I still alone?  Why can't I do better with my money?  I'll be out of debt, or at least low debt, and then things happen that I have to use my credit cards even for groceries and then I just keep spending. Here I actually thought I might be at least getting to where I could start paying some debt down with my raise this year, and BAM!  Here comes the IRS to screw me over.  Plus I had to ask them to take MORE money out of my taxes even though I already claim 0 so that maybe next year I won't have to pay as much.  

I can't afford to even go talk to my therapist anymore because my stupid insurance has it so they only pay like $30 of the $150 a session until I hit my $2500 deductible. Which of course since our year starts in July I've only spend like $250 of that.  So what's the point?  

Insurance sucks.  Taxes suck.  My job sucks.  Pretty much the common denominator is just me, obviously it's me that sucks.  Me that is a waste of space.  Me that is a waste of everything ever spent or put towards my life. 

Fifty years old and is it ever going to get any better? - Two parts, one written about a year later.

 I seriously hate things, myself, my life, all of it.  It's like I make up kind of with one side of the family and then the other starts making me sad.  I'm in a miserable job that all I can say is that at least I'm making more money. Not that it will matter much once the student loan payments kick back in.  Set up a trip to go on this summer to Scotland, a cool tour. Then the airplane ticket cost almost as much as the whole tour costs.  Ridiculous.  

One person said cancel the tour and just go around and see some of the sights.  Which yeah, might save me some money. But I'll be alone in a foreign country I've never been to before.  And have to arrange lodging and transportation and pay to get into all the sights and still pay for food.  Not like Scotland is Mexico with the drug cartels and stuff right now, but still. 

PART 2

So, it's about a year later since I started this, and things aren't any better.  A month after I started this, both my mom and stepdad ended up in the hospital and it was a month of misery and worry.  One of their dogs passed away while being watched at another place, I said I couldn't handle 4 dogs at at a time and so didn't take their two in with my own, and so now I feel like it is my fault that one died.  My stepdad's cancer is back and treatment for that isn't great.  The chemo made him really sick. Since all the big craziness last April he's become dependent on things he probably really doesn't need, like adult diapers, and his memory is not great.  Since his mom died of Alzheimer's, and his memory had been starting to go before all of this, it wasn't completely unexpected, but it still sucks.

The one bright thing is that I did go ahead and take my tour and it was an experience of a lifetime.  One I'll never be able to do again.  

Student loans started back up.  I used most of my savings to go on my trip and now with credit cards and that payment every month, I'm under $500 in my savings, and barely making it by each month.  Where I was able to keep credit card debt going down, I'm now adding to it as it is the only way to make it some months.  Oh, and in May of last year, both of my dogs got sick. And I was scared and went to the vet, who did nothing really, and I used my Care Credit card for them, and now that is over $1000 because of the ridiculous vet costs when the didn't really do anything for them.  So now I don't have that to use if they were to get sick and need something, and I'm probably being overly avoiding going to the vet whenever I am worried about them.  

My job, wow, I don't even know how to say how much more horrible it is and how miserable I am.  Between my library being turned into a detention center half the time now, my clerk once again being gone for months -although at least this time they let me get a sub for her, and learning that the people I work with are snitches and showing my personal Facebook posts where I complained to my bosses, I just hate my job.  I  keep trying to leave, but as usual I just suck and no one wants to hire me.  

I guess I'm getting a pretty good raise next year, all the people in our district are. But with my finances right now it will be too little too late I feel.  I tried to refinance my house because the house values seem to be up so high and I had hoped to use the cash to pay off my credit cards or most of them and then the payment would be smaller than all the cards separately, plus tax deductible interest.  But the appraisor found my house too low to get any money that I needed.  My house payment went up because of taxes and insurance.  My car insurance keeps going up even though I don't have any accidents or speeding tickets, etc.  I keep ending up having to pay income taxes every year even though I have them take as much out as they can.  

I'm so tired.  I'm not suicidal. But I recently read in a book that I don't want to go on, I don't want to live, and I'm not the only one who feels that way, but again, I'm not suicidal, I have no desire to do anything like that.  I just want to be done.

Numb Little Bug

 There's a song out right now that has lyrics that almost perfectly describe how I feel.  It's called Numb Little Bug and it's by Em Biehold.  The chorus I guess especially:

Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die
Like you're hanging by a thread but you gotta survive
'Cause you gotta survive
Like your body's in the room but you're not really there
Like you have empathy inside but you don't really care
Like you're fresh outta love but it's been in the air
Am I past repair

A little bit tired of tryin' to care when I don't
A little bit tired of quick repairs to cope
A little bit tired of sinkin'
There's water in my boat
I'm barely breathin'
Tryna stay afloat
So I got these quick repairs to cope
Guess I'm just broken and broke

 

So yeah, that's how I feel.  Except, I do want to die.  Just as I've said in the few other posts on this blog, I won't ever kill myself.  Although I found myself wondering if there was just a way to eat unhealthy enough to die without getting so obese I can't move by myself.  I mentioned how I'd had one of my breasts that had some weird pains in it. Turns out I have cysts.  But sometimes I doubt what this doctor said, because I've always been told I have dense breast tissues and that made it hard to tell for sure.  This doctor said I did not have dense breast tissue.  So, either the last however many years, like almost 10? that I've been having mammograms they lied?  Or has it changed?  Does that happen?  I guess maybe I'd had a little tiny flicker of hope that I'd actually be developing breast cancer and it would have gone for so long before being caught that I could die that way.  

Maybe that sounds horrible to people who have family or friends who died from it, or had it themselves but survived.  And I'm sorry.  I don't mean it that way.   In fact, I don't know that I believe in God, I definitely don't worship a God who lets horrible things happen to good people.  But the times I do pray, because since I grew up going to church, until I graduated from high school just about every weekend, I am usually praying and asking God to just take away these horrible things that happen to other people and let me be the one getting sick.  Let people with families, young people just starting out in life be the ones who live without big illness.  

I seriously have nothing.  I mean I know I have a wonderful family.  I reiterate that every time I post one of these.  I know I'm lucky that I have all my parents still alive.  I know how many of my friends wish they still had their own.  I see their posts on Facebook in how much they miss them.  And again, I would give anything to be able to be gone instead of their loved ones. But I'll never know what it is like to actually be in love romantically, truly, with someone who feels that way about me.  While everyone tells me it could still happen, come on, be serious, I'm about to turn 50, I'm still as ugly as I've always been, I'm getting fatter and fatter, and obviously my personality sucks or I wouldn't still be alone, right?

One thing I truly will never do is get to experience the love of my own child.  Giving birth.  None of that is possible.  Could I adopt?  Yes, but I can't afford my own lifestyle, I'm horrible with money, so obviously I can't afford to adopt.  I thought maybe finding a guy with a child, something I used to never think I'd want, well now I thought that's what I wanted.  But they don't want me.  At least not any of the ones I'm actually interested in.  Again, it's obviously my own fault I'm alone.  Look at that sentence, "I'm actually interested in."  What in the world makes someone as ugly, fat, and boring/stupid as I am think I get to have any pickiness in who I end up with?  

And let's talk about friends.  So many people have friends they've had since childhood, or high school, or what I thought I had, college.  I still kind of keep in touch with college friends on Facebook.  But we don't ever talk on the phone.  Get together regularly, anything.  

I still think while my family might be sad if I was gone, they don't need me.  My mom and stepdad could have more money and not have to think about if they should ever include me on trips because obviously I have no one else to go with.  Sure my brother and sister in law and niece and nephew would miss me.  But again, they wouldn't have to think about including me in things. Because again, they don't need me, other than when they need me to help with the kids.  

Once again, I'm sure so many people would do a better job than I would at my job as well.  I thought I was going to get to jump in and at least do the same thing as I did at my last job, but be completely in charge of the library and not have to share decisions.  Nope.  I don't even really get to be a librarian most of the time, and I do less or none of what I'd hoped to do.  A better librarian, which is probably everyone besides me, would find a way to overcome what I'm dealing with and do a great job.  

I can't train my dogs to not pee on the damn floor. To let me sleep.  I can't make myself eat what I should because I'm so unhappy that food is often the only thing I get to enjoy so I let myself eat what I want.  Plus I'm lazy so I don't want to waste the time making anything healthy.  See, I know what to do.  And I continue to choose to not do it.  

Finally, because it is in the same vein as this whole post, I want to talk about the my body my choice bit.  I don't agree with abortion at a certain time, because I believe we do everything we can to save babies that are wanted at that point.  Why because a mother doesn't want the child is it okay to kill it?  So all the pro-choice people should also feel okay with people choosing to commit suicide.  It's my body, my choice right?  And no one wants me, so why shouldn't I get to end my own life if I want to?  Especially in my own situation where it really wouldn't hurt or affect anyone.  I don't have kids or anyone who relies on me.  Other than my dogs, and honestly, they'd probably be better off with anyone besides me.  

Seriously, like the song says, I feel like I'm hanging by a thread, because I've gotta survive.  Even if I don't really feel there's any reason I should, society says I should, and so I gotta.

Second chance? Where's my first chance?

 This is a post that shows just how petty I am I guess.  I know so many people who get divorced, but don't stay single long, they seem to find the next person to marry soon!  And so many of these people it seems they found the right person the second time.

My mom and dad both found the right person the second time they got married.  Most of the time these people can't wish the first one hadn't happened, because they have kids.  And without that first marriage, they wouldn't have the wonderful kids they love so much.  I get it.  

But I just want a chance.  I just want to find a right one.  When will it be my turn?

As I keep saying, I know it is my own fault I am single.  What brought this melancholy on this time, is a guy who liked me on the Facebook dating app, and even though I wasn't necessarily attracted to him, I swiped like on him too and have been giving him a chance.  Even though he wasn't really keeping up a conversation, he was saying good morning every day this past week.  I was going to stop replying, but he kept saying it.  So I tried to get the conversation going.  Then I went to see if he'd answered my last question, and he'd unmatched from me.  So now I can't even keep a guy I'm not attracted to when I'm giving them a chance.  Obviously that means I am the problem.  :-(

The grass is always greener, right?

 I got a new job.  One that I was so excited about.  And it paid a lot better.  And it was back in my home state where I already had 17 years towards retirement.  All was good, right?

Wrong.  I'm doing things that are not what my job is supposed to be.  Not what I love about my job.  Yes, when I took the job I knew some of the extra stuff was going to be a part of it.  I didn't know it was going to be all of it.  

I know also that part of my stress/anxiety/depression at the moment is due to the fact that since my insurance from my old job ran out at the end of last month and I have to wait til next month for my new insurance to kick in, so my medication for those things ran out halfway through this month. And it costs $500 without insurance, so no, I'm not getting it.  Also didn't sign up for the COBRA interim insurance because that would have been $800-900 for a month.  

But today, if I could have financially done it, I was about at a point of just walking out.  I hated it.  It's not even the things I am doing that I hate.  It is how unorganized the new job is about all of it.  If things were more organized, then I probably wouldn't be as stressed.  

And I've been tired for awhile of a lot of stuff.  I'm not suicidal.  But I'm not happy being alive anymore.  There's not really anything that makes my life worthwhile.  If I was gone, yeah, my parents, siblings, niece and nephew, other family, they'd miss me.  But there's nothing that anyone needs me for.  And I'm just tired of being alone.  And I'm tired of the emotional and mental pain.  

I'm tired that I don't even have a friend I can text at any time when I just need an ear.  I have no one.  Is it my fault?  Maybe.  Probably.  I have a sucky personality probably.  Another reason I'm still alone at 48, almost 49 years old.

Again, I know I'm lucky I'm not physically in pain, for the most part.  But you know what, I'd take away all that pain and death from people with kids and families and that were needed.  Let those people get to live without the pain.  This is one reason I don't want to go to church anymore.  What kind of a god, if there is one, lets all those horrible things happen to mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, kids?  

I've been noticing a kind of sore spot in my right breast, usually just about the beginning of the month, when my cycle usually makes them kind of tender anyway.  But I also kind of feel like I can feel something there the rest of the month.  I would be okay if it was breast cancer, and since I'm waiting to get more than just a mammogram done, to get an ultrasound of it once my insurance is back, I'd be okay if it spread to my lymph nodes in that time, and made it so it was not anything that I could treat.  I want an end date sooner rather than later.  

I'm tired.  Today I noticed when I tried to pop my neck like I do sometimes if it is stiff that it hurt really bad on one side.  A side of my head I've gotten some of the worst headaches ever when I've been doing certain activities that I read can cause that.  It may not be an aneurysm, but I'm okay if it is.  And maybe that can end things for me.

I won't do anything myself.  I repeat I'm not suicidal.  But I am not averse to anything else happening to me.

I'm just so tired of it all.  Just tired and ready to be done.  

This Dystopian Life

So I know I have an unpopular opinion on masks right now.  I don't want to wear one. Since I am not sick, it doesn't make sense for me to wear one other than to protect myself.  I live alone.  There is no one in my house but me, and I don't go to work with anyone right now. Basically, other than my family members who I see about once a week, who pretty much feel the same as I do about masks, I don't come in contact with anyone if I did get sick. And if I did get sick, I'd definitely wear the mask when I left my house, if I left my house.  If I got sick, I'd stay home. 

People say it's selfish to not want to wear a mask because I'm not thinking about other people.  Again, I am thinking of others, and I'm not sick.  I have the conditions that tend to do poorly with the disease if I were to get it.  I have asthma.  I am probably pre-diabetic.  But it's my choice, right?  My body?

I mean, in this case, it really just is my body.  I feel abortion is more than just the woman's body, it is her child's body. What if that child is a woman?  Did we then take away that woman's choice to live?  But I digress.

My point is, I'm okay if this is what gets me.  As I've posted before, I don't care if I keep living because I have nothing to live for.  I'm a waste of space and resources.  Also, I've read a lot of dystopian books, they used to be my favorite type of read.  Now, I'm pretty sure I'm okay not being Katniss or the heroine, especially since I'm too old for that.  I'm okay with being one of the people lost before the whole dystopian world comes about. 

Anyway.  My two cents.  If we never go back to anything close to what normal was, I'm okay with the fact that compared to some people I have lived a "privileged" life and am ready to let others do the same.  I'll be done, and let someone else have my space and resources.