Nope, nothing gets better.

 2024 has sucked.  My life sucks.  I wish I was dead.  My stepdad died back at the end of May.  I hate my job so much, I've cried almost every week at work so far this year and we're only in like the 3rd or 4th week.  Just found out that the IRS is charging me a penalty for taking my time to pay that is the same amount as I owed.  

I honestly don't know what the purpose of anything is.  Why I bother trying anything.  I just keep going along and smiling around others, not letting them know how much I wish I didn't have to be alive anymore.

I would say I'm suicidal.  I don't actually think about killing myself. Although I'll admit lately I've had a few moments where I wish I could do that.  But now I can't because I have to be there for my mom since my stepdad died.  Maybe when she's gone I can do it then.  I guess at least I have some purpose right now.  

But why does everything have to suck so much?  Why can't anything ever turn out good for me?  Why do the jobs that seem like they'll finally be the right one end up sucking?  Why am I still alone?  Why can't I do better with my money?  I'll be out of debt, or at least low debt, and then things happen that I have to use my credit cards even for groceries and then I just keep spending. Here I actually thought I might be at least getting to where I could start paying some debt down with my raise this year, and BAM!  Here comes the IRS to screw me over.  Plus I had to ask them to take MORE money out of my taxes even though I already claim 0 so that maybe next year I won't have to pay as much.  

I can't afford to even go talk to my therapist anymore because my stupid insurance has it so they only pay like $30 of the $150 a session until I hit my $2500 deductible. Which of course since our year starts in July I've only spend like $250 of that.  So what's the point?  

Insurance sucks.  Taxes suck.  My job sucks.  Pretty much the common denominator is just me, obviously it's me that sucks.  Me that is a waste of space.  Me that is a waste of everything ever spent or put towards my life. 

Fifty years old and is it ever going to get any better? - Two parts, one written about a year later.

 I seriously hate things, myself, my life, all of it.  It's like I make up kind of with one side of the family and then the other starts making me sad.  I'm in a miserable job that all I can say is that at least I'm making more money. Not that it will matter much once the student loan payments kick back in.  Set up a trip to go on this summer to Scotland, a cool tour. Then the airplane ticket cost almost as much as the whole tour costs.  Ridiculous.  

One person said cancel the tour and just go around and see some of the sights.  Which yeah, might save me some money. But I'll be alone in a foreign country I've never been to before.  And have to arrange lodging and transportation and pay to get into all the sights and still pay for food.  Not like Scotland is Mexico with the drug cartels and stuff right now, but still. 

PART 2

So, it's about a year later since I started this, and things aren't any better.  A month after I started this, both my mom and stepdad ended up in the hospital and it was a month of misery and worry.  One of their dogs passed away while being watched at another place, I said I couldn't handle 4 dogs at at a time and so didn't take their two in with my own, and so now I feel like it is my fault that one died.  My stepdad's cancer is back and treatment for that isn't great.  The chemo made him really sick. Since all the big craziness last April he's become dependent on things he probably really doesn't need, like adult diapers, and his memory is not great.  Since his mom died of Alzheimer's, and his memory had been starting to go before all of this, it wasn't completely unexpected, but it still sucks.

The one bright thing is that I did go ahead and take my tour and it was an experience of a lifetime.  One I'll never be able to do again.  

Student loans started back up.  I used most of my savings to go on my trip and now with credit cards and that payment every month, I'm under $500 in my savings, and barely making it by each month.  Where I was able to keep credit card debt going down, I'm now adding to it as it is the only way to make it some months.  Oh, and in May of last year, both of my dogs got sick. And I was scared and went to the vet, who did nothing really, and I used my Care Credit card for them, and now that is over $1000 because of the ridiculous vet costs when the didn't really do anything for them.  So now I don't have that to use if they were to get sick and need something, and I'm probably being overly avoiding going to the vet whenever I am worried about them.  

My job, wow, I don't even know how to say how much more horrible it is and how miserable I am.  Between my library being turned into a detention center half the time now, my clerk once again being gone for months -although at least this time they let me get a sub for her, and learning that the people I work with are snitches and showing my personal Facebook posts where I complained to my bosses, I just hate my job.  I  keep trying to leave, but as usual I just suck and no one wants to hire me.  

I guess I'm getting a pretty good raise next year, all the people in our district are. But with my finances right now it will be too little too late I feel.  I tried to refinance my house because the house values seem to be up so high and I had hoped to use the cash to pay off my credit cards or most of them and then the payment would be smaller than all the cards separately, plus tax deductible interest.  But the appraisor found my house too low to get any money that I needed.  My house payment went up because of taxes and insurance.  My car insurance keeps going up even though I don't have any accidents or speeding tickets, etc.  I keep ending up having to pay income taxes every year even though I have them take as much out as they can.  

I'm so tired.  I'm not suicidal. But I recently read in a book that I don't want to go on, I don't want to live, and I'm not the only one who feels that way, but again, I'm not suicidal, I have no desire to do anything like that.  I just want to be done.